So, I have returned from my brief hiatus, with a message to the world.
Jake and I have been married for almost ten years, and James is two. If you do the math, that means we were married a while before we had kids. People in BYU used to meet us and ask two standard questions, "How long have you been married?" Followed by "How many kids do you have?" Now, I know it was just a standard question, but sometimes I felt like smacking them. I took to looking around, as if I had misplaced my five children. Jake took to telling people they were at camp, no matter the season. After we had our joke, and "confessed" to not having any, we received a response. Usually it was just,"Oh," but sometimes I would get this look like I had two heads or like something was wrong with me. I mean, obviously if I have been married five years and have not single-handedly multiplied and replenished the earth, I must be some sort of sinner, right?
Now some of you may know of my fight with fertility, and some of you might not. It took me three years to have James from the time we decided to have him and when I actually held him in my arms. In those three years I suffered a miscarriage and just plain fought to get pregnant again. For those who have had a miscarriage, you relate, all you need is a constant reminder that you lost your child. I told Jake at one point that I was going to hit the next person who asked me, "how many kids do you have?"
I finally had James. He was, is, and always will be my miracle because by that time I had long since given up on the whole darn thing. And I thought the annoying questions would stop. I could finally and proudly announce that we had a beautiful boy...
We moved into our new ward. And again, I know no harm is meant by any of it, but now the questions are, "So you just have the one then?" or "Is he your only one?" Again, I feel like saying, "Oh, my gosh! We left the other three at home!" It also doesn't help that everyone in this ward seems to have between three and six children. In fact, several people have actually made stupid comments to me about about the increased fertility of this area, or that "twins run on your street." OK. I actually made a comment one time, something like, "boy I hope so because I could sure use the help in that area." That shut the guy up. It doesn't help that I could not have had another child by now, no matter how much I wanted one and no matter what I could do about it. It is really hard to get pregnant when you have only ovulated twice in almost three years. That would have been some amazing timing on my part!!!
I had surgery on Thurday. They thought I had a cyst, but it turns out that it was actually my ovary that was the size of a necturine. So they took it out (sorry, timeout, funny story: I actually had to sign a form that said that if they ended up taking both of my ovaries I would be sterile. Really? It turns out there really are people THAT stupid. I am afraid to know where they work...). Any way, so I had trouble getting pregnant before. Now I am down one ovary reducing my odds even furter...
Moral of the story: Just don't!!!!!! Don't comment on the amount of children anyone has, or about anything that will or may be taken as a comment about their fertility. Don't look at people who don't have twelve kids in thirteen years like they are sinners or like they have two heads!! Just don't!!!! Leave people and their fertility alone, unless they are confiding in you, then listen and don't share the information with others. Fertility is a VERY painful subject for some. So next time you are thinking of making even an off-handed comment about someone's number of children, do us all a favor and shut your mouth.
On a related subject. If I tell people I just had surgery, why is the immediate response, "oh, what did you have done?" Like I want to explain to complete strangers that I am now down an ovary. If I wanted you to know, I would say, "I just had surgery on___(fill in body part here)___. Otherwise, maybe there is a reason I didn't announce to the world what I had done. I have considered telling people it was plastic surgery on my nose, just to see the look on their faces, since nobody in their right mind would choose my nose... I will list an appropriate response, "Oh, how are you feeling? Can I do anything for you?"
Now if only I could get the whole world to read this post...
12 comments:
AMEN AMEN AMEN. Why do people assume that other people's family size is somehow their business? Just keep it out of it. It's like nothing is private anymore!
I'm sorry about your surgery. That majorly stinks. :( I hope you're feeling better soon and that your other ovary feels the need to kick up the ovulation a bit. :)
THANK YOU! Honestly, I can't believe how insensitive people can be. And whether the cause is infertility or just not being ready to have kids yet or whatever, the timing and number of kids someone has is not something to be commented on.
I'm a more open person than most, and even I mind when people just ASK what's wrong with me medically. I'm willing to tell them, but they have no right to ask.
A friend shared this article about infertility etiquette that everyone should read, too: http://www.resolve.org/site/PageServer?pagename=lrn_ffaf_ie
Brooke, thanks for opening up about this. You are so right. People can be really intrusive sometimes about a very sensitive subject. I definitely felt like an oddball for not having a baby for 5 years, and I think few people knew how desperately I wanted to become a mom.
I hope you feel better soon!!! Surgery is never easy, so hopefully you've at least gotten some yummy R.S. meals out of it. :-)
I hope you can get feeling better now. Hopefully the surgery will help.
I am sorry about all of the fertility questions. I don't think it matters how many (or how few) kids you have, those types of questions always seem to be damaging.
I have to admit I was a bit offended last week when someone gave me a negative comment about only being pregnant with my third. My life is obviously SO much easier because I don't have six right?
I guess my point is, that there is no magic number of people that make up a family. It doesn't matter if your family consists of just yourself, you and your spouse, or having a whole bunch of kids. We are all still here to accomplish the same thing and we all have unique personalities, strengths, weaknesses, trials, and blessings in our lives. Besides, I think there are plenty of people that have multiple children for the wrong reasons. I have just as much respect for parents that raise one responsibly as someone who raises many up responsibly. However, it does bother me to see a parent, no matter how many children they have, that are lazy, irresponsible, just don't care, etc. That infuriates me.
As a side note though. . .I would give people a little slack. They are just trying to be friendly in their own way. They are trying (in their own way) to take interest in you and your life, even if they end up with a bit of foot in mouth. I am sure the "two headed monster" looks you might get are really the attempts at covering up embarrassment for their silly questions and embarrassing actions.
Brooke, you are great. I hope that you don't worry too much over this. You are a wonderful person, and a great mother. Who could fault you for that.
I hope you get feeling better soon!
I think this is a very valuable post for people to read. Thanks for writing it and sharing all of that with us.
I hope you get to feeling much better soon. And I personally don't think there is anything wrong with giving nosey questions answers that will make a person think twice about asking you or someone else such private questions again! Consider it a great service to the rest of the population!
Your little James seems like such a great little boy and he couldn't be any cuter -- and I like him even more now that I know what a little miracle he is!
Amen. I've been thinking about this a lot with Mother's Day coming around, because I've had some pretty painful Mother's Days. And to sit there in the congregation, just weeks after your baby died and listen to talks about how mothers are the best things ever and how everyone should be a mother... yeah, that's rough.
I am so happy you posted this. I could use some inside advice on how to approach this subject (or not to!) with others. I can only imagine how difficult it is to struggle with infertility. It stinks you guys are struggling because you make such cute kids!
I hope you are feeling better soon!!!
I'm so sorry for all the troubles you're having. Mine aren't close at all, but I can understand a small part of how you feel. I've had a few rude comments as well and I've chosen to try my best to just forget about them. What you do find in all this is who your true friends are. Those people being insensitive are not the ones! When those well-meaning aquaintances act like large families are the path to righteousness, kindly remind them that our prophet has three children, not twelve. I'm sure you're happy with your one and if you're blessed with more, Hooray! If not, you will still have a happy, healthy, wonderful life with your complete family. Hope your recovery goes well.
SO TRUE! Thank you for talking so openly. It really is shocking what people you hardly know will ask you. And it's a good reminder that everyone is so different. We can't assume anything about anyone EVER.
I've gotten comments (mostly from Forrest's co-workers) about having two kids and only being 25. Yep, I'm crazy. How did my mother let Forrest steal me out of my home and get me pregnant?
I hope your recovery is going well. I wish I could bring you a delicious chicken pot pie like the one you brought us after Eli was born.
Thank you so much for posting this. I hope you are feeling better after surgery and you have a speedy recovery. Actually, Brooke, I remember you sharing your testimony in church, maybe it was the day James was blessed, and it touched me because we were trying to get pregnant at the time. It ended up taking us just over three years to finally get Max here with us. this post sums up so many of my thoughts over these past few years. Thank you so much for sharing. James is such a beautiful little boy.
I hate when people judge people by the amount of kids they have. And, yeah, it's too bad that people who want kids can't have them and people who don't want them seem to have no problem. I feel judged, too, when I tell people I "only" have "just" one....and he's 4. And they make me feel guilty by those looks or other comments. I don't have a problem with any of the fertility issues (that I know) but because I have only one kid people make me feel bad about myself. I don't think it's their business.
I'm sorry they had to remove your ovary. That really sucks. I'm glad they didn't have to take both though. Hopefully you'll heal well and feel better soon.
Too true! (By the way W and I are still here, we'll have lived here five years in August.) I think people in the ward are used to us not having kids and they probably think we don't want them.
My parents didn't have a kid until they had been married for fifteen years and I was it. My mom has been pregnant a total of about nine times and I'm the only one that didn't end in a miscarriage. So all growing up I got to learn just how painful it was for them to be married for so long without having kids, and now I'm experiencing it a bit myself.
I hope that I haven't hurt you by anything I have said in the past. I think you and Jake are such a great couple and I was so happy when you two had James.
Whenever total strangers ask me about that sort of thing I usually tell them that we're trying really hard and that if they have any suggestions for good positions I'm all ears. Bringing up the actual activity of making kids is something that seems to bother most people here, so they shut up pretty quick.
I'm dreading moving out in August, I'm afraid of how our new ward will react to us, but mostly I'm afraid that I'll end up saying something mean and rude, not a good way to start in a new ward.
You were my first visiting teacher in this ward and I've always looked to you as an example, thank you for being such a good one. I hope that you don't ever feel like you're not good enough, you are great and someone I hope to emulate. Thank you for this post, it's given me hope.
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